This is one of my biggest fears. It's fear that the grace being shown to me, when I make
mistakes, is going to run out at some point. This mostly affects me in my workplace. Immediately following this fear is the lie that they are just going to fire me.
A common problem that those with ADHD face is that we make a lot of little mistakes. It is incredibly hard when your brain focuses on all the things at one time, to hone in on the thing you are doing right now. It is incredibly difficult to stop in the middle of a task and pick that momentum back up. It can be difficult to remember where you were when your work friend comes to distract you for a moment, or a client needs your attention, and so on.
This fear of losing grace hits when those things start causing me to make mistakes. I can be rocking along thinking I am doing great at managing all the things and then a mistake comes
out, and inevitably, it is never just one mistake. Usually, they are things that happened months ago, and I am just now learning of the mistakes I have made. I begin to feel like such a failure like the grace is going to run out, and that I am going to be fire. As I should be, right? I deserve to be fired if I am consistently making mistakes. At least that is what my brain tells me, as though, no one else in the world has ever made a mistake.
This can also be present in all relationships. Will my constant tardiness make my friends stop wanting to even try to hang out with me? Will my drastic mood swings make my significant other decide I am too much or too high maintenance? Will my parents abandon me because I keep making life so much more difficult for them? (Even if you have received nothing but unconditional love.) I mean, I know it's a lot for me to handle. I wouldn't blame them if they chose that.
After years of believing that grace is going to run out, because you are lazy, a terrible friend, don't care, or too emotional it is hard to change that thinking. Heck, it's even harder to recognize how untrue it is. These messages are NOT true. These internal messages are lies, or gremlins if you will. They are detrimental to your self-esteem, confidence, ability to focus and so much more.
In the 1984 movie "Gremlins," a young man is gifted a Gremlin by his parents for Christmas and there are 3 rules. Don't expose them to light as it can hurt them, don't get them wet, or they will multiply, and don't feed them after midnight no matter how much they beg or they will change and become mischievous, more intelligent, and dangerous. I believe this is true for negative self-talk. If you believe the lies it makes them more true in your perception, the more it is internalized the more of your life is affected, other lies become much easier to internalize after that, but finally, if you expose them to the light, it will hurt them and you can conquer them.
That is after all the goal, right? To conquer the negative self-talk that is so debilitating to our hopes and dreams? Of course, it is. No one wants to believe in lies. Now you may be asking, ok yes I agree, that sounds fantastic LeighAnna, but don't you think I would have done that by now if I could? I'm so glad you asked. You can check out my first topical series (Coming Soon) where I outline and go in-depth as to how you can change this pattern of negative self-talk and get rid of those unwanted gremlins. In the meantime leave a comment on the gremlins you have believed over the years.